1. Football
Need I say more? Fall season is football season. A word to the wise, and skinny, we big guys will corner you and regale you with stories about some massive pancake block that won the game, the one time we picked up a fumble and took it to the house, and act out the time we used our cat-like reflexes to tip and catch a ball at the line of scrimmage. In short, our stories can be summarized into these four categories.
- We were the star linemen in high school, and would have played quarterback but the coach loved the triple option
- We’re bigger/stronger than those jokers that play on Sundays
- We turned down a ton of scholarship offers to pursue academics
- While we never played, we could have … and coaches, administrators and parents begged us to
2. Bonfires
It’s not that we necessarily love sitting around a fire, but it’s the things that come with the fire that make us love them. Like s’mores; well, actually food, in general. At a bonfire, it’s socially acceptable to do something we do quite often and, many times, hide from you: eat food in the dark. Have you ever noticed that your beefy friend always volunteers to “pick up more firewood,” or to run back to the truck for something? Would it surprise you to see him scarf down a handful of marshmallows on his way? To catch him inhale a brownie while he juggles some kindling? Some habits are best kept hidden.
3. The End of Mowing
If a big guy is gonna get any cardio done in a week, it’ll probably be in the form of mowing. And, sad to say, it’s probably our most hated household chore (well, okay, it’s a second place to anything that involves climbing a low capacity ladder). There’s another thing I’ve noticed about the average beefcake, too; it’s that he’s generally cheap. So, when it comes to mowing, he’s most likely not gonna hire the neighbor kid to push mow his little slice of suburbia. Fall brings out the best of us and, ladies, you might take notice of an interesting aspect of your lawn this time of year. As the heat continues to linger and the leaves are just beginning to change, your big teddy bear will see and opportunity and he seize it. Quietly, he’ll drop that blade height as he figures he can squeak by with perhaps just one last mow for the season. Look at it this way: he’s now 45 minutes deep at Golden Corral; he’s sweaty and now reached his limit.
4. Pumpkins
Sure, we love a good orange gord and even slice up a jack-o-lantern with the best of them, but it’s what’s made with the pumpkin that we like. In all honesty, it’s not that we love pumpkins; they’re okay. It’s really you skinny people that get all crazy about pumpkins. You feel the need to make lots of desserts because “pumpkins are in season.” News flash: you can get a pumpkin any time of the year. But, you all get all jacked about these things and start pumping out pumpkin bars, pumpkin pie, pumpkin cookie this, pumpkin cake this, and then it gets out of hand. *cue hero music*
Thankfully, you’ve got yourself a plus size friend to help you with your overzealous Pioneer Woman self. We will gladly take this burden upon ourselves.
5. Cooler Temperatures
Not only is fall a welcome reprieve from the scorching summer heat, but it ushers in a big man’s staple clothing item of choice: a hoodie. You see, he’s like a buffalo, really. In the summer, he sheds to stay cool but when fall rolls around, he puts his layer back on. Now, I’d like to say this is relegated to clothing only, but with the extra clothing the Guy of Girth can more easily hide the other extra warmth he’s putting on. We like to call it, “Bulking Season,” and you’d be wise to reference it as such, too.
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Like this? Want more? Check out my book, Heavy Confessions for more true stories, commentary, anecdotes and more.
