I walked down the parking lot ramp and did my best to act like I knew where I was going. As a bigger dude, I stick out more than most people, so I've found it best to walk briskly and act like I know exactly where I'm going and my plan when I get there. You see, if you're a guy of girth and are seen lumbering your way along a sidewalk or hallway, you're instantly labeled as someone who struggles with the little details in life; like long division and clothes matching.
Just as I was about to round the corner, the security guard came barreling out of the guard house (or turret hut, depending on how dangerous you want this story to sound). Standing about 20 feet from me, he boasted a huge grin and waved to me like I do to the Fogo de Cao servers when I flip my dial back to "green."
He was standing/stumbling at my 3:00 and, given my innate self-awareness levels (borderline secret service level) I knew he was motioning to me and, clearly, we knew each other.
Now, he wasn't a large man, but he most certainly was a fellow guy of girth, only of the shorter variety. I turned, smiled big and waved to my fellow Garfield the Cat fan. By the time my 6'6" wingspan had reached almost the top of the parking garage, that's when I realized something; but it was too late. You see, my local husky Miami Vice wasn't waving to me. Not even close. As if in slow motion, my hand raised to the ceiling, I turned back left to see two women walking my direction. Our paths were not only about to cross, but I was about to run over them.
The women, not nearly as excited to see this parking lot Tom Selleck, waved back at this man and gave me the oddest look as I stealthfully avoided going Office Linebacker on them.
I had done what we all do from time to time, but you see, for those of you who have never purcashed a XXL shirt or taken buffet food to go, you don't realize the struggle us bigger folk endure. You see, if you're five foot nothing and can't turn off the air bag sensor when you ride shotgun, then your errant wave makes little to no impression -- allowing you to escape the situation unscathed. But for the rest of us, it's a show stopper. Between the tall reach and the 24/7 arm pit stains, guys of girth cannot evade the situation without either an explanation or some self-depricating humor.
So, people of less girth -- do us big dudes a solid and act like you know us the next time you wave through us. Please understand our confusion; when you're such eye candy as we are, we get the smiles and waves a lot.
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